when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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