I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
