Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
