my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize