How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
