if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
