yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
