I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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