Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
