They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
