Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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