three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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