so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
