So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
