I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
