Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
How external is "for external use only"?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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