I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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