You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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