who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
