I hate your face
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
