You made me cry and you don't even care
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
