That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Is it because I queefed?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
