Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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