i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize