I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
