I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
