is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
