I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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