Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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