can we get nightvision for the apartment?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
