I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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