tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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