mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
