his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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