I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
