This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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