Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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