Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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