I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
