It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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