Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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