Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
