I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
