she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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