I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
