Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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