Yo dont text me then not text me
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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