If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize