My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
