he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
