my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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