I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
