it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
