do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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