in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
