I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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