i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
