I look better un-naked...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
