Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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