I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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