I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
