If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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